Happenstance Poetry of Found Words

Dear Neighbor,

Just so you know, we can hear when you talk very loud (like when there are people over), when you play your music loud we can hear that too, and, yes, we can hear when you are having sex (like at 4 this morning) because you are loud. If it's after 11:30 on a weeknight we would all (and I think I can speak for the apartments next to, above, and below yours) appreciate it if you would do these things a little more quietly.
Thanks,
Your neighbor who did not get any sleep last night due to the noise from your apt.


When I read this letter, I feel like I should think about the situation it represents, but I can't help but wonder about the person behind it. The handwriting is loopy and strikes me as feminine. So I give her names in my mind such as "the comma horder" who can't make it through a sentence without at least five commas, "the paranthesis gardener" who needs to plant paranthesis in every sentence, the "blunt conciliator" who is very firm about the time that she would like things to be a 'little more quiet', the "dependent clause dependent" who needs at least two dependent clauses to to describe any situation.

Then I think about writing a response to this letter, and how hard it would be to drop the letter at the post office. Not because of any lingering shame, but rather because of the name. Would the postal workers appreciate a letter addressed to 'the neighbor who did not get any sleep last night due to the loud sex in apt 5'?

But then again, what would the letter contain? An apology? Earplugs? A condom?

I have a theory that for every question there's at least one good answer. So I thought about it for a while and decided that a good answer would be:

Dear Neighbor,

Sorry about the noise last night. Next time we'll use the ball gag.

Yours Truly,